Ramblings

[Ace89]

Ik zag de post over een asexualiteit stuk op facebook, en las de reacties eronder. Het interesseert me meestal vrij weinig wat men denkt, maar ik voelde me toch wel een beetje verdritig bij zoveel afwijzing. Het kwam in me op om onderstaande tekst te schrijven. Ik heb het in een keer opgetypt, dus het staat vast vol spelfouten, maargoed. Ik schrijf graag in het Engels en moest het gewoon even ergens kwijt. Ik bedoel niet iemand te beledigen of op hen neer te kijken, maar het kan een beetje emotioneel zijn.

So, I am asexual. There, I said it. No, I will not spontaneously divide to multiply myself, nor do I just pretend to be female. Most people are completely unfamiliar with the concept of human asexuality and the many that have heard of it feel it is taboo, scary, unnatural. These feelings are understandable, as they are often the result of our natural wariness of what is unknown or out of the norm. This is why I write this piece; to explain what asexuality really is and hopefully create some understanding for people like me. Do Asexuals  want to be a special snowflake or Are they desperate for attention? Actually, it is quite the opposite. We just want to be seen as a normal people, and be treated as they were before we came out as asexual.

What is this asexuality I am talking about? The definition is 'a lack of physical (sexual) attraction to either gender.' To put it more simply, we don't find anyone hot or sexy, and have zero interest in sex. This is often called the fourth sexual orientation. There are people who feel sexual attraction to the other gender, there are some who prefer their own, and yet others are in for both. And then there is us, who have no interest in either gender. All sides of the spectrum covered. Makes sense, right? In fact, an estimated 1% of the population is asexual.

So what is this asexual feeling like? Are those people cold, unfeeling beings? Absolutely not. You can compare it with the way you feel about your siblings, the people of the gender you are not attracted to, or your dear pets. You love them very much, but you do not feel sexually attractied to them and have plenty of other ways to show them your affection. You can also compare it a bit with a preference for certain food. One absolutely loves it and cannot do without, the other does not care for it at all. Do not confuse asexuality with a fear or aversion of sex. There certainly are asexuals that feel put off or sick when thinking of such physical intimacy, but many feel pretty neutral about it. They simply do not care.

Note that I explicitly refer to sexual orientation and talk about physical attraction, because love is a completely separate thing. Asexuals are perfectly able to love and have as much interest in doing so as anyone else. Friendships, affection for siblings and love for pets and significant partners are felt as keenly as sexuals do. We form deep relationships and bonds with the people important in their life. The only difference is, that we feel no need to express this love with sex. For sexual people this is often difficult to understand. To them, sex is the ultimate way to share their love and connection with their partner. The best way to feel intimate and appreciated. But do you lose the feeling of love as soon as the sex is over? Of course not. Asexuals make a clear distinction between sex, other physical signs of affection, intimacy and love. As we have no need or drive to have sex with others, we look for other ways to feel connected with our partner. Intimacy is a very important one and can be experienced in so many other ways than through sex. It is the feeling of being deeply connected and cherished by another person. This can be expressed by cuddling, by sharing  feelings and interests, and by doing nice things with and for each other. Do we miss out? Sexuals would probably think so, but to us, you cannot miss what you never wanted in the first place.

Where does this lack of interest is sex come from? As I mentioned before, it is the fourth sexual orientation. People are simply born like that and could not change it, even if they wanted to. It is not like celibate, where people who experience sexual attraction choose not to submit to them. Many people think that asexuals have had bad experiences in their childhood, or were raised with a fear or strong taboo for sex. As a result, they suppress their sexuality. However, this is not true. You cannot suppress anything that has never been there to begin with. And almost all of us had a normal, happy childhood like any sexual person. Another explanation that often gets brought up is that we must be sick. There must be something wrong in our mind or body that makes us as we are. Again, nope. We don't have any mental disorders any more than other people do. Also, physically we are completely fine. Most of us are able to feel arousal, but this is not directed to a specific person, nor is there a wish to act on it with someone else. However, some asexuals do enjoy private time with themselves. So, they simply need to have some great sex and they will learn to enjoy it! Let us apply this to another sexual orientation. If you are straight, try having sex with a gay person and you will learn to love to hump your own gender. You would never want to be without anymore. Ridiculous, right? You can have sex with almost anyone and anything (not advisable), but that does not mean you suddenly feel physical attraction and a wish to repeat is. In fact, many asexuals have tried sex, because it is expected of them, because they wanted to please their partner or because they thought it was something that needed practice before pleasure. Yet after these experiences, they still do not feel any interest in it and may even be put off by it.  But it must be unnatural, right? It is unnatural for creatures not to have the drive to mate and reproduce. Actually, in many animal societies there are individuals who do not breed. They care for the offspring of others so the kids will have a bigger chance at survival. Survival and evolution is not always about the individual, but about the group, the species as a whole. Aside from that, we are born asexual. How can be anything that is produced by common reproduction be unnatural? So, if asexuals  are not suppressed, traumatized, crazy, shy virgins or sick, then what are we? Well, pretty normal actually.

Then we hit the issue of relationships with significant others. Here again we make a distinction between love and sex. Most people seek both love and sex (romantic sexuals), yet others like to have sex without ever wanting to tie themselves to one partner (aromantic sexuals). Then there are some who love deeply but have no interest in sex (romantic asexuals) and some who do not need a significant other nor do they wish for sex (aromantic asexuals). Note that the last group is perfectly able of loving family and friends, they simply do not feel the need to be in a romantic relationship with anyone. But what if you are asexual and fall in love with a sexual person? Then things get complicated, but not impossible! There are many of such couples that worked out their differences and reached a happy compromise. The key here is communication. The sexual partner has as much right to see their needs fulfilled as the asexual partner has the right to remain in their comfort zone. Some couples deal with this by seeking other forms of intimacy. Others agree of having gentle or partial sex only occasionally or to seek a third partner to fulfill any physical needs. Whatever the solution they come up with, it requires commitment and openness from both sides. Love can overcome big differences!

I already discussed how asexuals see other people, but how do we see the world? Most of it is pretty normal, but there is one thing that escapes most sexuals' notice: sex is everywhere. Books, tv, movies, advertisements, jokes, music... The entire world is screaming sex all the time. To sexuals, this probably makes things more interesting, but asexuals find it rather bewildering or even boring. Why would a half naked man make that perfume more attractive to buy? It has nothing to do with the scent! Revealing lingerie actually looks rather itchy and uncomfortable. And why do they always need to put this boring 10 minute sex scene in a movie, it doesn't add anything to the story. If I wanted porn I would buy an adult magazine, not this detective novel. Why are there hardly any songs about deep friendship? And why are simple gestures of friendly affection often seen as sexual innuendos? Of course they know why it is done, but we do not feel any effect of it. We rather focus on other things, or don't even notice that something is meant to be sexual. Our eyes skip over things that would immediately attract the attention of a sexual person.

Then there is the social and cultural aspect of the matter. Our western society is highly sexualized. You must have sex, and lots of it, and enjoy it too. If you are not capable of sex, you are either less worthy or a subject of pity or shame. If you do not want or enjoy sex, there is something seriously wrong with you. In fact, most people see the drive to have sex as an essential part of adulthood, even of being human. But why the big interest in what other people do in bed? It is none of other people's business. Why would it define so much of who we are as a person? We are perfectly similar to other people in any other way. The fact that we do not wish for sexy time does not make us bad friends, nor does it worsen our character. Many people say they do not wish to be treated as sexual objects, yet when they are treated exactly so by an asexual they find it weird or even off putting. We get it, it may be a bit different than what you are used to, but we appreciate you purely as a person.

Let's take a look at the situation from our perspective. The constant social expectations about sex may be confusing, confining or even saddening for us. We cannot meet these expectations and do not see why it matters so much if we do. Especially puberty and after can be confusing and painful. Why do I not feel and do like others do? Is something wrong with me? Will I ever have a partner and children? Why do I always break off dating as soon as things get physical? Some people only discover their asexuality later in life, because until recently noone knew it existed and they just settled for what was expected of them. Even after figuring out that we are asexual, there are many more social hurdles to overcome. How will the people around me react? Will they believe me, or say I am just a late bloomer, or need to get laid properly? Will they pity me or fear I will end up terribly lonely? If I don't tell anyone, I will have to endure the sexual innuendos, the expectations of relationships and children, the uncomfortable jokes and strange looks. How will the person I have a crush on react to my asexuality? How will my partner react now I finally figured out why I have so,little interest in bedroom activities? The taboo is so great, that many asexuals, including me, rather keep it silent. I want to be appreciated for who I am, not for what I do in bed. I love just as much as any other, and that is what matters in the end.

There, I wrote it all down. I did not explain all subtleties and shades of asexuality, nor would I ever pretend to represent the experiences and feelings of all asexuals out there. This is simply my perspective, my explanation. I hope I provided you with some food for thought, a basis for understanding. And if you still choose to dislike asexuals, then now at least you do so with an informed mind. I respect your opinion, and I hope you will be able to respect mine. From one human being to another.

[hobbitscones]

and have zero interest in sex

Vergeet niet dat er aseksuele mensen zijn die seks wel leuk vinden. Ik ben er geen van, maar ik wilde dit er wel even bij melden. Het gaat dan meer om de activiteit en hun behoeftes kunnen bevredigen en niet zozeer met wie (nouja, hoogstwaarschijnlijk wel iemand die je leuk vind, maar ik bedoel hiermee te zeggen dat het niet van seksuele aantrekkingskracht afhangt, ik weet niet hoe ik dit anders moet zeggen). Kan me voorstellen dat deze mensen die wel seks hebben het gewoon prettiger vinden dan hunzelf maar te moeten bevredigen. Natuurlijk typte je dat je jouw perspectief uittypt, maar nogmaals... ik wilde het even erbij melden.

Ik ken dat gevoel wel, soms moet je gewoon even je frustratie uittypen. De tekst is verder ook wel goed als je het mij vraagt. Ik typ meestal ook meer in het Engels.

Dat deel over dat seks overal is, ik vind dat grappig terug te lezen. Klasgenoten gaven al commentaar op mij dat ik altijd mensen waarschuwde als er veel seks in een serie zat, terwijl zij er geen problemen mee hebben. Ik merk duidelijk meer van dat seks overal is dan seksuele mensen, en vind het ook vervelend dat het zo "normaal" is om overal te zien, maar ja.

Ik vind het ook een vreselijk missconcept dat aseksuele mensen "preuts" zijn.

[Ace89]

Ik weet dat er ook aces zijn die sex wel prima vinden. Het was ook niet mijn bedoelig om hier een compleet beeld te geven. Ik moest het gewoon even kwijt.

[Matti]

Ja, Nikkinda, ik denk wel dat je het hier allemaal erg goed samenvat. Ook dat idee van A-sexualitiet t.o.v preutsheid is zoiets. Volgens mij leven we nu in een maatschappij met en gekke tegenstelling; enerzijds zie je een sexualisering van van alles en nog wat, maar tegelijkertijd zie ik ook bij mensen die dan wel sexueel georiënteerd zijn juist dat een soort nieuwe preutsheid is ontstaan.

Ik denk soms wel eens dat sexualiteit zoals het vandaag de dag in de maatschappij wordt uitgedragen eerder verwarrend werkt voor iedereen, omdat sexualiteit wellicht te overdreven wordt; ik bedoel daarmee dat het dus niet langer in verhouding staat tot ieders eigen belevenis van sexualiteit, wat mogelijk tot het idee leidt dat men erin tekort schiet. Zelfs voor degenen die sexueel georienteerd zijn. Maar da's zomaar en idee van mij.

Ik denk wel dat je een sterk punt hebt m.b.t opvoeding. Hoewel a-sexuelen zelf niet gauw kinderen zullen hebben, stel je dat opvoeding toch een collectieve menselijke verantwoordelijkheid is. En vooral dat laatste; een gevoel van verantwoordelijkhied naar kinderen en jongeren in deze samenleving, daar valt denk ik wel e.a te verbeteren. 

[Acelien]

4 maanden te laat misschien, maar wat een goed stuk! Zo veel dingen zijn herkenbaar. Ik denk dat deze tekst ook makkelijker te begrijpen is voor allosexuals dan het meeste dat ik langs heb zien komen op bijvoorbeeld facebook (ik krijg vaak de indruk dat veel over asexualiteit wordt geschreven door allosexuals, en er daarom maar een half beeld uitkomt). Heb je eraan gedacht dit ergens (anoniem) te plaatsen?